You know the standard idea that, if you need more patience, God gives you opportunities to wait so you learn it?
I guess this is my season for learning faith.
In the winter/spring, I struggled big-time with hip pain, but that whole time I knew it was the season to get back en pointe (after 25 years away), and no amount of pain was going to hold me back.
I achieved it, getting back into my first pointe class the day before my 40th birthday.
Josh commented on how much faith I showed during that whole time.
I hadn’t thought of it that way: for me, I was just determined to do it. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I really did have faith that I would be better in time to do it. (considering there were days I could barely walk because of the pain from the ballet class the day before)
So I guess it shouldn’t surprise me too much that I have Faith 2.0 later the same year (God taught me about gratefulness a few years ago, and it was a two-part lesson too).
This time, the struggle has two parts*. Two things I’m trusting will happen, two things I have no reason not to hope for and look forward to, but things that just aren’t coming together as smoothly, or as quickly, as I would have expected.
I’ve continued to believe that both are happening. There have been moments when my faith wavers, but I’ve pushed past it again.
But I feel like I’m being led, blindfolded, down a path from my old life into the next one. And each step is total blind faith.
Which is scary enough. But a few times, I finally felt like I had an idea of what the next step was going to feel like, and I was 100% wrong. And those are the times that it’s the hardest to hold on and keep believing that we really are heading somewhere and that I shouldn’t have just stayed home.
But yesterday someone mentioned to me that I should “relax and enjoy the journey.”
And inwardly I half laughed, half groaned.
No way on earth is there anything enjoyable about this journey. This wasn’t about thankfulness; it’s purely a lesson in faith. I just have to grin and bear it, and not turn my eyes from what’s happening.
But when Josh and I talked about it, he pointed out that it is important that we have a positive outlook.
I guess I needed the lesson in gratitude before I could learn this lesson in faith.
But oh boy did that just add a new level of difficulty to the process.
This afternoon, though, I was reminded that it really is about finding joy in the journey. God has something amazing in store for us. Sure, at this point it’s hard to imagine it all happening, and I have no idea what it will actually look like. But life will look better than it used to, and shouldn’t that give me joy? Sure, it’s hard right now because I’m walking blindly, completely out of control of what happens. (hear that? control. Not only do I not know what things will look like, I need to recognize that I’m not in control)
This is a hard post for me to write. Typically I wait to write about things until they’re behind me and I can talk about the whole picture. But I felt like it was important to document what’s happening, AS it happens, so I can look back and see how far I came.
…and bring others along in the process!
*I chose not to mention exactly what’s going on, because the details aren’t important. It’s what’s going on inside that matters, and that’s part of the reminder I got this afternoon.