A newly empty nest…

A job furloughed that may or may not open back up…

A dance studio where your favorite teacher left…

A church you no longer feel connected to…

A curriculum that doesn’t click with the kids…

Something that used to be your passion but now makes your eyelid twitch…

As the weeks dragged on living at home, I knew very clearly that the fall was going to look very different for our family. I knew my job at the front desk was over, my son realized he was only dancing because his sisters were, and my eldest daughter started getting more interested in drawing and acting than in dance.
And my middle daughter started taking private ballet classes through Zoom and found her passion…

I was honestly curious to see how people would answer.

And I loved the feedback I got from it. A lot of “agrees,” some of which I think are right and others are not so much (because of who I used to be versus who I am now). But what made my heart happy was the ones who said we disagreed, but that our friendship was more valuable than having similar opinions.

And in all honesty, that’s why I asked the question.

For every single hot-button issue out there, I know someone who feels exactly the opposite way that I do. 

And not just “someone,” but someone I care for. Someone whose friendship really means something to me.

I find that to be really important.

Because now, every time I catch myself thinking, “How could people think __________?” I realize that a dear friend of mine holds that belief. And because I respect that person, knowing their decision was as well-thought-out and as emotionally involved as mine, I have to stop that line of thinking.

Immediately it changes to “okay, I can’t imagine seeing it that way, but clearly it’s more involved than I was letting myself imagine.”

ALL topics apply. When I get frustrated over people’s opinions of the importance of masks, or when I see a political ad. Whenever it gives me an emotion, good or bad, I remind myself that someone is having the exact opposite feeling to the same thing.

I spent over an hour working through the long questions, all about what makes me tick and what I wanted for my life. Several family members sat in the dining room with me, helping me figure out how to answer it in a way that reflected reality.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I finished, typed in the parameters of the type of guy I was looking for….

and nothing.

Well, not quite nothing. There were 4 guys in a 60-mile radius. Two lived in Canada. (nothing against Canadians, but I didn’t want to have to keep crossing the border for a relationship) The other two were very clear “no”.

Sigh. 

What a waste of time.

I went to bed, frustrated at the lost hour of my life, knowing I was right and mom was wrong.

The next morning, I decided to try the search one more time. To make sure I wasn’t missing something in my parameters. 

And this time there was a fifth result!

A guy who seemed rather obsessed with motorcycles, but otherwise a guy who made me laugh and nod with agreement from his long, well-thought-out answers.

I wrote him a message.

And heard nothing.

It was nearly 36 hours before I got a response back. (turns out, his parents’ fridge had died, so they spent the weekend getting a new one and doing everything that goes along with that, so he didn’t get on his computer).

I saw the message the next morning, and was relieved and quite intrigued.

Here was a man who made me laugh. Hard. He was sincere. His parents had graduated from the same college I had, and their pictures were in my parents’ yearbook because three of them graduated the same year. Suddenly the 60-mile distance felt a lot less.

So we started writing. A lot. And often. Many, many long emails  back and forth the entire week. 

By the end of the week, we were both hooked. 

We had our first date scheduled for that Saturday (June 7, 2003). It was a marathon 13-hour date. Breakfast at Bob Evans, a picnic lunch at Letchworth State Park, a coffee at Leaf and Bean Coffee Shop, and home to meet my family and my crazy dog.

I didn’t plan to write about anything related to the coronavirus. 

But then I saw an article that I saw last week about the number of suicides during this period being higher than the number of virus-caused deaths.

And a conversation I had earlier a couple days before about how people are going out of their way to, well, get out of the way of others made me realize that I’m not the only one who feels incredibly isolated during this time.

I’m actively fighting it. I have one friend I’ve been getting together with weekly. (thank you, Leslie!) I’ve been talking on the phone to my mom. And I am an introvert who has never had a problem being alone.

But even I have struggled with feeling alone. Feeling stuck. 

What does all this have in common?

Wait, you think I’m supposed to have something planned when I write?

 Oh yeah, it does.

Peace.

I’m realizing that right now, we are all desperate for peace. For a feeling that life won’t fall apart in the next five minutes.

I’ll write in the future about the work I’m doing to get my adrenals back where they should be, and how much of a difference that’s making in my outlook on life. But right now, with them improving but not there yet, I understand all the people who deal with depression, anxiety, or just the general feeling of unrest.

This is a difficult time. We’re all hurting. We’re all trying to make sense of the half-truths and misleading news articles and polarizing views we’re being bombarded with. No matter where you fall on the issues (and please don’t tell me what those are! Chances are, I already know), you’re likely feeling the same way I am. Wishing we knew who we could honestly trust, and wishing all the untrustworthy people would stop muddying the waters.

My wish is that people could find ways to stop feeling so alone, and that we could all spend more time focusing on what we all have in common, rather than dwelling on the much smaller areas of disagreement. 

So if you’re like the guy in Seth Godin’s article and do better when you imagine it’s an inanimate object, or if you’re like me, pretending Alexa is human so I have more patience with her, it’s all about finding what makes us calm back down. Instead of focusing on where we differ (whether that’s about wearing or not wearing masks, taking a knee during the national anthem, choosing to vaccinate, eating a certain way…the list goes on and on), it brings me a lot more peace when I focus on how much we have in common. If I look at someone who chooses all the things that are the polar opposite of me, instead of thinking, “why would she choose that,” instead I choose to imagine that she put the same amount of thought into her decisions as I did. Because you know what? Whether she did or not, we both have to live with the consequences. 

And as soon as I do that, I have peace. 

If she chooses to feed her kids gluten wrapped in MSG deep-fried in trans-fats, what is that to me? I mean, really. Why should I feel like it’s my job to educate her? All it does is bring me stress to consider what her life could be (or, if I’m perfectly honest, what I think it should look like). 

“I am the one thing in life I can control”

My favorite line from Hamilton…the line I’m working on teaching my children…and the line I need to remember myself.

I can find peace during this crazy time by remembering that it’s me, and me alone, that I’m responsible for.

For you, that might mean wearing a mask any time you leave the house, knowing you’re doing your best to make sure no one contracts the virus from you.

…It might mean exactly the opposite: choosing to go mask-free, and instead smiling at the people you see in stores, helping them feel a little less alone during this time.

I’m really writing this as a way to keep myself accountable. Today has been a rough one, and I’ve been feeling like the world is out of control. Because it is! But I can control my actions, my responses, and the feelings I choose to hold onto. 

And today, right now, I choose the ones that will bring me peace.

How does this resonate with you? What have you done to find more peace during this crazy time?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!
 charla@charmboxstudios.com

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Last August I realized I was feeling jittery and exhausted immediately after having my caffeinated coffee. I sighed, knowing what it meant. 

Thankfully I was already on my way to discovering how to make decaf taste *almost* as good as regular (last week’s post will catch you up if you missed it). But first I had to wean myself off of it. And then figure out where to go from there.

Today’s post will cover three things. These are what I’ve discovered personally. Most of it did come with some study, but not enough for me to take the time to find links. So sure, take it with a grain of salt, but more importantly, know that I stand behind what I’m writing because it worked for me!

1 (least fun): weaning off of caffeine

2 (more interesting): more effective times of the day to have caffeine

3 (best part): a way to enjoy caffeine without getting re-hooked

1. Weaning yourself off. 

I cut a small amount out of the amount of caffeine I was drinking each week.

The first week, I went from 2 large cups of full-caff to making the second cup half-caff. 

The second week, both cups were half-caff.

The third week, my second cup was decaf.

The fourth week, it was all decaf.

 This kept me from getting headaches (which I had had when I tried going cold-turkey in the past).

2. Most effective times to have caffeine

Our bodies have natural rhythms of higher and lower energy. I’m sure you’ve noticed how sometimes you’re dragging, and a few minutes later you can do a lot more. This is much more obvious late in the evening, but I notice it throughout the day. 

Obviously not having caffeine in the evening is a wise choice to help you sleep well. For me, I learned years ago that I couldn’t have caffeine after 3 p.m. or it would affect my brain when I tried to sleep. You’ll have to figure out exactly what your own cutoff is. 

But less obvious is that coffee first thing in the morning isn’t ideal! Our bodies are gradually increasing in energy over the first hour or two, so if you have caffeine while your body is increasing in energy, you won’t really notice it. The bigger problem, though, is that the caffeine will fade the same time your body’s natural energy fades, so the crash is much more pronounced. So when I have caffeine, I make it about 2 hours after I get up, when I can actually enjoy the increased energy it provides! 

This is not how our culture views coffee, but I’ve noticed a difference in my energy level since I changed my timing.