A friend asked for advice of what makes a marriage work. We spent some time coming up with things that we’ve found to make the time together successful and enjoyable.

1. Don’t try to change your spouse. You married them for who they were, so don’t try to change it later. It will just cause frustration to both of you.

2. Make each other happy. Learn their love language and practice it as often as possible. Doing so will virtually guarantee they’ll do the same in return.

3. Marriage does take two. You can’t have a strong marriage unless you both want it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fight for it if your spouse is floundering, but you can’t make it succeed all in your own.

4. Be each other’s biggest fan. Believe in your spouse even when (or especially when) they don’t believe in themselves.

5. Don’t let anyone else be more encouraging or speak words of life to them more than you do.

6. Keep a positive attitude. I’ve never considered being married to be a struggle because I’m walking through life with my best friend. In the good times or struggles, we remember that we’re better together than we ever could be apart.

7. Keep it fun. Whatever “fun” looks like to you, make sure you keep doing that. It could mean theme parks or haunted houses, building LEGO or going to the beach…fun brings you together.

I want to add a couple caveats to the above list.

1. Marriage takes two. If you’re in a marriage and doing all the work, this won’t work the same way. Your spouse has to want to have a successful relationship too.

2. We both have generations of successful marriages to build on. Our parents and grandparents were all married once, for life. That really does make a HUGE difference. Yes, we do follow the list above, but honestly we don’t have to think about it most of the time. It just happens, because that’s what we watched our parents do.

2020 has been a wild ride. (I refuse to use all the adjectives we’ve heard all year, so I’ll go with a Disney reference instead) 

And in a time when a lot of my friends are living in places that are still completely shut down, or who are choosing to stay isolated to keep from getting the virus or possibly sharing it with someone else, that isolation is very, well, isolating. 

But even for people like me, who go to Disney, church, and the doctor’s office on a regular basis and see people face to face, I still find myself feeling very alone.

It’s not so much actually not seeing other people. It’s the feeling that I’m experiencing something, or feeling things, in a way that others just don’t get. Like I’m the only one who feels this particular way about things.

Let me tell you, though: it’s a lie. 

And it’s dangerous.

When we think we’re alone, then anxiety can start to take hold, even on people who have never felt anxious.

We start pitting ourselves against the imagined “them,” the people who make it harder for us to get back to some semblance of “normal.” No matter how we feel about…well, about anything…there’s a “them” and “they” seem to want us to fail.

What would you think if I told you we are actually all in this together?

That we all want our country and world to get back to normal, that we all want to be able to stop living in fear again? 

It’s not just wishful thinking.

I have friends on every possible side of this. People who flat-out refuse masks, those who won’t leave the house so they don’t risk exposing the vulnerable population (or themselves) to the virus, and tons somewhere in the middle. 

I know several people who have changed churches over this issue and how their (former) church handled things. 

I don’t even know how many people have changed their schooling plans over this. 

And those who have gone through the virus tend to keep quiet about it during their experience, feeling like they’re going to be ostracized for it. (I read an article yesterday that said 1 in 27 Floridians have had the virus at this point. That’s a lot more people who are in the same boat than most of us realize!)

A newly empty nest…

A job furloughed that may or may not open back up…

A dance studio where your favorite teacher left…

A church you no longer feel connected to…

A curriculum that doesn’t click with the kids…

Something that used to be your passion but now makes your eyelid twitch…

As the weeks dragged on living at home, I knew very clearly that the fall was going to look very different for our family. I knew my job at the front desk was over, my son realized he was only dancing because his sisters were, and my eldest daughter started getting more interested in drawing and acting than in dance.
And my middle daughter started taking private ballet classes through Zoom and found her passion…

I was honestly curious to see how people would answer.

And I loved the feedback I got from it. A lot of “agrees,” some of which I think are right and others are not so much (because of who I used to be versus who I am now). But what made my heart happy was the ones who said we disagreed, but that our friendship was more valuable than having similar opinions.

And in all honesty, that’s why I asked the question.

For every single hot-button issue out there, I know someone who feels exactly the opposite way that I do. 

And not just “someone,” but someone I care for. Someone whose friendship really means something to me.

I find that to be really important.

Because now, every time I catch myself thinking, “How could people think __________?” I realize that a dear friend of mine holds that belief. And because I respect that person, knowing their decision was as well-thought-out and as emotionally involved as mine, I have to stop that line of thinking.

Immediately it changes to “okay, I can’t imagine seeing it that way, but clearly it’s more involved than I was letting myself imagine.”

ALL topics apply. When I get frustrated over people’s opinions of the importance of masks, or when I see a political ad. Whenever it gives me an emotion, good or bad, I remind myself that someone is having the exact opposite feeling to the same thing.